Marriage is a wonderful thing. Nearest thing to heaven, I think. This is why we find it difficult to imagine heaven without marriage (see Mt 22:23-33). The deepest, warmest, most passionate, and most enduring human love is marital love.
Yet marriage is not heaven. A bad marriage can be more like the other place. Even good marriages require work, by which I mean, the good in them does not always come easily. Why? One reason is: baggage. We bring lots of baggage into our marriages. Some of it is sinful. Other baggage is just what is common or customary for us and not for our spouse. Like what? I can suggest a few.
Daddy issues
First, there are daddy issues. Sometimes daddy was absent. This has left deep emotional needs, a yearning for daddy’s attention and affection, which gets transferred to one’s spouse. Insecurity, neediness, fear of neglect, clinginess, and need of approval can be characteristic as a result. One’s spouse can never do enough to overcome the insecurity.
Other times daddy was wrapped around his little girl’s finger. He spoiled her rotten. As a result, she is difficult, shall we say, to live with. No man will ever prize her and provide for her like he did. Her husband will never live up to her father. She continues to look to him to solve her problems and meet her needs, emasculating her husband in the process.
Mommy issues
Second, there are mommy issues. Sometimes mommy was overbearing. This has bred an unhealthy dependence. Mommy must be consulted about everything. Mommy’s approval of decisions is crucial, and her disapproval is feared. Rather than making decisions with my spouse, mommy is in the middle of the marriage calling the shots, dominating the homes of her offspring like she did her own.
Some mommies have crushes on their sons. They can never do too much for them, and their sons can do no wrong. Mommy has fussed over them, coddled them, cooked their favorite meals, and responded to their every whim. The poor girl who marries such a boy will never live up to his mother.
Sibling issues
Third, there are sibling issues. Sometimes conflict with siblings while growing up was constant and intense. Lingering bitterness about a cruel brother or a vindictive sister can poison the soul. Ironically, one can yearn at the same time for sibling favor and friendship. This is particularly the case with younger siblings in relation to older siblings. Either way, the enduring conflict is brought into the marriage and undermines family gatherings.
Jealousy among siblings also can be carried into a marriage. Joey was mom’s or dad’s favorite. Parental partiality was overt, unmistakable, and continues. This can become another root of bitterness that infects a marriage, or worse, a pattern that is repeated with one’s own children.
Family issues
Fourth, there are what we might generalize as family issues. Habitual family practices are another sort of baggage. This is particularly the case with problem solving and conflict resolution. Some families don’t solve problems. Conflict erupts, each one walks away, and it never comes up again. Time seems to heal the wounds. Everyone forgets about it, and life moves on. This tends to be the pattern in my Californian family. Others are fighters. They duke it out. They confront, argue, fuss, and in the end, resolve the issues, though the process is painful. Still others perpetuate conflicts endlessly. They fight savagely. Nothing ever gets resolved. Bitter alienation is the norm. Family life becomes an endless cycle of personality conflicts, misunderstandings, misjudged motives, misguided expectations, and unreasonable demands.
Two different family patterns are joined in marriage. The result: consternation.
“What is with the silent treatment? Let’s talk about it.”
“Give me some space. I can’t talk right now.”
“But I’ve never been yelled at like this before. No one ever yelled in my home growing up.”
“I wasn’t yelling. I’m just making my point vigorously.”
The point is we all bring baggage into our marriages. Much of it is merely our ways of doing things– do we squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube or the bottom? Does he take out the trash or she? Are sweet notes occasionally written or not? Is a date night maintained? Are flowers brought home periodically? These are merely cultural issues, what is common for us, yet they too become points of tension.
Baggage. We all have it. Recognizing it is half of the battle. Some of it needs to be repented of. Other of it merely needs to be negotiated.